In a surprising display of fiscal modesty, the Walt Disney Company, commonly known for its pocket-change valuation of around $200 billion, has taken to the digital streets, cup in hand. Yesterday, the behemoth corporation announced the launch of a GoFundMe campaign, asking the general public for “a few spare billions” to ensure the operational continuity of their humble theme parks.
In the GoFundMe page titled, “Help Mickey Keep the Lights On!” Disney described their parks as “wholesome, mom-and-pop operations” and pleaded with fans for support during these trying times.
“It’s not easy maintaining this quaint, six-park business in the U.S.,” the post read. “If each of our visitors can just give a little – say, the equivalent of a new car – we may be able to keep the magic alive.”
For the struggling company, the campaign was apparently the result of an exhaustive exploration of financial survival options, including selling off Scrooge McDuck’s gold coin pool, and hosting yard sales with excess pirate props from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Disney’s CEO, in a recorded message, explained, “Despite our best efforts, doubling ticket prices and releasing an endless stream of collectable popcorn buckets has not been enough. It seems we’re facing a stark reality: selling churros as a loss leader at $20 a pop may no longer be a viable business model.”
As part of their campaign, Disney has introduced an array of attractive rewards for donors. For a mere $50,000 donation, park fans will be entitled to a fast pass that allows them to bypass the notoriously long lines – for one ride, one time only.
A pledge of $500,000 or more guarantees an hour-long dinner with the animatronic Abraham Lincoln from the Hall of Presidents, complete with a monotonous, looped conversation about the Gettysburg Address. And, for the elite donor who can spare a cool $1 million, the company has offered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to personally scrub down the exterior of Space Mountain.
Despite the initial shock and amusement at the GoFundMe campaign, as of press time, the Disney fund had already accrued $25.64 and a used gum wrapper – a promising start for the plucky little family company.
With a goal of $10 billion, it’s certainly a mountainous task ahead. Still, in the words of Walt Disney himself, “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” Here’s hoping that, for the sake of Mickey and his pals, Disney fans have very deep pockets.