In a move that’s set to revolutionize the theme park experience, the Walt Disney Company announced plans to restructure its world-renowned parks, shifting the focus from whimsical attractions and childhood magic to what really matters: merchandise sales. This radical move comes on the heels of advice from top-tier business consultants, whose reports have conclusively shown that what consumers really want is a convenient, mall-like experience, sprinkled with a dash of Disney pixie dust.
“Disneyland is not just about rides and characters, it’s about the experience,” said Chairman, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products, Josh D’Amaro, while waving around an Elsa-themed credit card. “And what could be more immersive than being surrounded by mounds of Disney-themed merchandise, experiencing the ecstasy that can only come from buying a limited edition popcorn bucket?”
Disney’s new approach will see the gradual reimagining of its iconic attractions such as ‘it’s a small world,’ ‘The Haunted Mansion,’ and ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Soon, guests will be able to take a memorable journey through towering shelves of Moana flip flops, Ariel hairbrushes, and Buzz Lightyear action figures. Space Mountain will be converted into a sprawling interstellar-themed Disney merchandise megastore, complete with LED-lit shelves displaying Star Wars memorabilia.
“It’s about maximizing the Guest experience,” said a Disney spokesperson, gesturing at a blueprint showing Cinderella Castle converted into a Disney Princess boutique. “Now we can create magical memories that will last a lifetime by providing the authentic Disney experience of standing in line to buy Elsa snow globes and Minnie Mouse ears.”
“Guests have told us that they enjoy taking photos with Mickey and Minnie plushies just as much as with the real characters,” said the Disney spokesperson. “With our new Disney Merchandise+ initiative, Guests can literally bring home the magic of the Disney theme parks simply by using their credit cards.”
Lines have already begun to form as Annual Passholders eagerly await new releases of limited edition merchandise. Financial analysts predict a skyrocketing Disney stock in the wake of the announcement, noting that “Disney is really getting to the heart of what the American people want: shopping with a side of nostalgia.”