In a stunning press conference held yesterday on the steps of the iconic Cinderella Castle, Disney announced the burial of an innovative time capsule, slated to be opened in the “far-off and unimaginable” era when the company runs out of sequel, prequel, and reboot ideas.
The time capsule, which is affectionately referred to as ‘The Vault 2.0’, was lowered into the grounds of Disney World in an extravagant ceremony. This was presided over by Mickey Mouse himself, who took a break from panhandling on GoFundMe to oversee the event.
Disney’s CEO stated, “This vault is our insurance for a future where we’ve exhausted all 101 Dalmatians, sent Elsa into space, and even turned the seven dwarfs into angsty teenagers in a dystopian universe. Inside this chest, we have enough untouched fairytale books and unused villain backstory concepts to fuel another century of films.”
In a move that shocked many, the CEO then revealed that the time capsule also contained Walt Disney’s original notes for a ‘Steamboat Willie’ sequel, “Steamboat Willie II: The Revenge of Peg-Leg Pete.” Disney’s CEO hinted that the film could be “the Godfather II of animated mouse boat-captain films.”
The vault is rigged with a state-of-the-art storytelling drought detection system, which will trigger the capsule to self-open when a group of Disney writers, seated in a conference room, start pitching “Bambi 3: Life in the City” or “The Aristocats: The Musical” due to a desperate lack of fresh ideas.
Despite this historic announcement, some critics remain skeptical.
“I’m not convinced Disney will ever need to open this vault,” commented one anonymous industry expert. “I mean, they’re only five years away from remaking the remakes of their original classics. At this rate, they can loop that process until the sun burns out.”
In true Disney fashion, the event concluded with a fireworks display and a musical number from a choir of unpaid intern animators, singing “When You Wish Upon A Star: Rebooted Edition.”
Disney has invited fans back to the park in several decades – or when the sequel ideas run dry, whichever comes first – to witness the opening of this time capsule. Let’s just hope it’s not in time for “Steamboat Willie XXVII: The Final Voyage”.