In a move designed to turn what has already been a slightly spooky experience into the most unforgettable haunt of your capitalist lives, the Disneyland Resort has announced its plans to expand the hallowed grounds of the Haunted Mansion in 2024. The expansion will include an elongated outdoor queue that promises to trap guests in an immersive environment for longer periods, as well as a retail shop so enticing you might just lose your soul—and your life’s savings.
According to local legend, the mansion was first erected by a sea captain who is rumored to have buried his wealth somewhere on the grounds. “It’s in this entrepreneurial spirit that we add a retail store to the exit, where guests can ‘bury’ their own financial legacies,” said Disneyland Resort spokesperson, Kelsey Lynch. “We’re so excited to bring this venture to ‘life,’ so to speak.”
To further immerse guests, Disneyland Resort will introduce themed gardens dedicated to iconic characters like Master Gracey, Madame Leota, and the relatively unknown but equally terrifying one-eyed cat. “These gardens will serve as beautiful stages where visitors can take Instagram-worthy pictures, provided they have purchased our exclusive Haunted Mansion photo filters, only available through the My Disney Experience Mobile App,” Lynch elaborated.
The expansive queue will continue to feature the popular pet cemetery and horse-drawn funeral hearse, both of which were inspired by things that are also dead but significantly less marketable. A new greenhouse will also be introduced. “Ever wondered where we grow the spectral plants that surround the mansion? No? Well, you’re going to find out anyway,” said Lynch.
Building on the park’s tradition of making merchandise out of everything that moves—or in this case, haunts—Madame Leota will transition from being merely a spiritual medium inside the mansion to being a retail medium at her very own shop. The shop will reportedly sell limited-edition crystal balls, “How to Levitate” beginner kits, and even bottled essences of your own past, present, and future regrets.
Alongside these spectral expansions, the plaza adjacent to Tiana’s Palace will also see upgrades. “We wanted to create an area where guests could relax and enjoy live entertainment. We’ll feature ghost musicians on Mondays, phantom comedians on Tuesdays, and for the rest of the week, visitors will get to experience an authentic existential dread,” said Lynch.
Construction will begin in January 2024, during which the Haunted Mansion will remain closed to mortal visitors but open to its regular ghostly inhabitants. The project also aims to improve accessibility with the addition of a new elevator, because “the afterlife should be accessible to everyone,” Lynch explained.
“Stay tuned for more details. In the meantime, be prepared to experience the chills, thrills, and inexplicably lighter wallets that only Disneyland can provide,” Lynch concluded.